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What’s the female version of an Uncle Tom?

April 30, 2017 Leave a comment

img_1542This is it. I am turning the corner and shedding my attempts at being welcomed and accepted by the black community. This journey is my own. I will go my own way.

35 years and I am finally here. I will still have my moments of regression but I have since learned that several members of the black community have turned their backs on me after learning that I am pro-life and do not support Planned Parenthood. If this is what isolates me from the black community, so be it. I will fight for the right for developing cells/human beings/fetuses/babies to live.

It doesn’t matter that we probably agree on everything else. No war. No death penalty. No injustice. Social justice for racial minorities. Undocumented immigrants. LGBTQIA+ community. Trump is a lunatic.

I’m tired of hearing tirades against white people. I’m so over it. Stop ranting against white people, band together, and DO something other than protest.

I’m tired of blaming whitey for everything. Did whitey do their fair share of oppressing black people back in the day? Yes. But it’s  significantly better for black people to advance in 2017 than in 1967. The white people who oppressed black people aren’t the ones in power anymore. A new generation arose that rebelled against the segregation of their parents. Did anyone give any thought to those white people who thought segregation was wrong and unjust? (Just like the white people who thought slavery was wrong and unjust during the Civil War era?)

And then there’s the issue of reparations for black people. No, thank you. White people can keep their money and their land. See how well reparations worked out for Native Americans? Government-protected reservations with high crime rate, high gambling problems, high suicide rate, high drug use, and high alcohol use. Nope. No support for reparations from this here colored girl.

I’m a black American princess. I went to a Catholic school K-12. Started at NYU with $18K in grants and scholarships and graduated from Hofstra on LI with departmental honors. I interned for a high-profile NY senator for a semester. I was a successful, established sole proprietor for several years after a full-time stint as an entry-level editorial assistant didn’t work out.

All along the way, the people who reached out to me and helped me along to get me to the next level were…guess who?

White people.

In grade school, other black students made fun of me and cut me down as I tried to assert myself as a young, smart girl.

In middle school, the black kids (and “wiggas”) would shut me out of their core group while white people interested in their education would interact with me and eventually become lifelong friends.

In high school, perhaps the roughest period of my schooling, I attempted desperately to fit in with my black peers only to get made fun of or used for my intelligence for the next quiz or test. The only students who were willing to offer friendship without strings attached were white people.

Even the one black boyfriend I dated (in an effort to gain credibility with the black community) dumped me after he made an attempt to have sex with me and I kept to my vow of purity.

So the long and short of it is, black people and I just don’t get along. It’s taken me 35 years to realize this but better now than later. I will never have a black BFF. And I need to be OK with that. Because I have so many wonderful friends—of all other races, though mostly white—who I can rely on.

This is an issue that’s on my mind so I’ll probably be blogging about it for a bit. But I needed to get it out that white people are not my enemy. They literally are my friends.

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I don’t need “13 Reasons Why” I was suicidally triggered

April 19, 2017 1 comment

Revised 2017 Goals

April 15, 2017 1 comment

2017

Revising my annual goals list. A lot has happened in a few short months.

  1. Keep a full-time job for all of 2017.
  2. Keep my working hours limited to 40–45 hours a week (with rare exceptions).
  3. Visit my cousin in Florida.
  4. Follow my Practical Self-Care Plans for 2017.
  5. Use my frozen embryo later this year. (postponed to 2018)
  6. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference again if it’s affordable and doable (not happening ever again) 😦

I guess I’m down to 4 goals for the year. Not terrible. But definitely less ambitious than years past.

 

Categories: Goals Tags: , ,

2017 Goals

January 2, 2017 Leave a comment

2017-image

Happy New Year, everyone!

Time for my annual goals list. I don’t have many this year so let’s see if I can hit my targets.

  1. Keep a full-time job for all of 2017.
  2. Keep my working hours limited to 40–45 hours a week (with rare exceptions).
  3. Visit my cousin in Florida.
  4. Follow my Practical Self-Care Plans for 2017.
  5. Use my frozen embryo later this year.
  6. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference again if it’s affordable and doable

A lot of these goals involve being kinder to myself. My husband and I have discussed that I expect myself to be able to accomplish things at the same rate as when I was a freelancer, which apparently is NOT going to happen. I can’t handle all the administrative tasks like I used to. I can’t organize my home like I used to. I don’t feel as productive as I used to.

So I’m getting rid of all of that in 2017. 2017 is all about ME. (Very strange to do that.) 1 & 2 is about how I enjoy working. 3 is about visiting my family who I rarely get to see. 4 is about making myself a priority. 5 is about pursuing a goal to (Lord willing) complete my family, and 6 is about making more connections with a supportive community of women.

It’s going to be a year full of learning curves (ugh, I’m going into management—we’ll see how that works out), but hopefully this is also a year of finally trusting the Lord to guide me step by step.

Categories: Goals Tags: ,

2016 End-of-Year Goals Check In

December 31, 2016 Leave a comment

2016

Green indicates easiest, yellow indicates moderate difficulty, red indicates great difficulty.

1. Journal or blog at least once a month.
FAIL. I’ve been horrible at regular blogging. I’m dry. I have nothing to say and nothing to write.

2. Exercise for 20 minutes 3 times a week (Join Anytime Fitness.)
IN PROGRESS. 
I joined Anytime Fitness at the end of January, but I haven’t been exercising for 20 minutes let alone 3 times a week.
REVISED GOAL: Exercise for 30 minutes 1 time a week.
SUCCESS! 
With a few rare exceptions, I try to make time at least once a week to exercise for 30 minutes. I’ve lost and kept off 20 lb so far.

3. Read a book I enjoy from start to finish before the end of the year.
SUCCESS!
 I read Grandma Gatewood’s Walk about a 69-year-old woman who walked the length of the Appalachian Trail. I’m not a nature person but it was a very good read.

4. Pass my editing certification test in June.
SUCCESS! 
I passed my test in June and am now ELS (Editor in the Life Sciences) certified.

5. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference in Atlanta in October.
SUCCESS! 
I went and had a wonderful time! I made new connections and new friends. It really was amazing.

6. Keep my full-time job for all of 2016.
IN PROGRESS.
 I switched jobs on February 29 so I’m not at the same job as in the beginning of the year.
REVISED GOAL: Keep a full-time job for all of 2016.
SUCCESS! 
I’ve kept a full-time job and I’ve even gotten a promotion that begins in 2017!

7. Pray for my boss regularly.
FAIL. 
The point of this goal was to pray for my difficult boss earlier this year. I can still pray for my current boss, but it’s much easier to pray for someone who’s nice than someone who treats you like dirt. I didn’t pray for my difficult boss and am still wrestling with forgiving her in my heart.
REVISED GOAL: Forgive my former boss.
IN PROGRESS. This isn’t easy. She got fired from her position a few months ago. While part of me thinks she deserved it, the other part of me is sad that she hasn’t learned her lesson. I’m working on it.

8. Engage in self-care daily.
FAIL. 
I really suck at this.

9. Remain healthy from August 2016–December 2016 (Be proactive and work with my psychiatrist.)
SUCCESS! My psychiatrist and I found a combination of meds that worked really well and kept me from sliding into a usual pattern of depression for the latter half of the year. I praise God for this. Really.

10. Change my full name to my married name on everything.
IN PROGRESS. This is more difficult than I thought it’d be. I’m upgrading this to a high level of difficulty.
REVISED GOAL:  Change my full name to my married name on everything.
SUCCESS! Done! It was difficult and I shelled out a ton of money, but it’s all done. Whew. 

Categories: Goals Tags: ,

2016 Mid-year Goals Check-in

June 1, 2016 Leave a comment

Green indicates easiest, yellow indicates moderate difficulty, red indicates great difficulty.

1. Journal or blog at least once a month.
IN PROGRESS. I missed April but so far so good.

2. Exercise for 20 minutes 3 times a week (Join Anytime Fitness.)
IN PROGRESS. 
I joined Anytime Fitness at the end of January, but I haven’t been exercising for 20 minutes let alone 3 times a week.
REVISED GOAL: Exercise for 30 minutes 1 time a week.

3. Read a book I enjoy from start to finish before the end of the year.
SUCCESS!
 I read Grandma Gatewood’s Walk about a 69-year-old woman who walked the length of the Appalachian Trail. I’m not a nature person but it was a very good read.

4. Pass my editing certification test in June.
IN PROGRESS. 
My test is on June 10th. I am studying and feel more prepared for the test than I did before. I failed by 30 points before and I think I can eke out a pass this time.

5. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference in Atlanta in October.
IN PROGRESS. 
I have booked my flight, car rental, and hotel for the conference. I also have the week off. Woohoo!

6. Keep my full-time job for all of 2016.
IN PROGRESS.
 I switched jobs on February 29 so I’m not at the same job as in the beginning of the year.
REVISED GOAL: Keep a full-time job for all of 2016.

7. Pray for my boss regularly.
FAIL. 
The point of this goal was to pray for my difficult boss earlier this year. I can still pray for my current boss, but it’s much easier to pray for someone who’s nice than someone who treats you like dirt. I didn’t pray for my difficult boss and am still wrestling with forgiving her in my heart.
REVISED GOAL: Forgive my former boss.

8. Engage in self-care daily.
IN PROGRESS. 
I’m not good at managing self-care each day. I am working on it.

9. Remain healthy from August 2016–December 2016 (Be proactive and work with my psychiatrist.)
IN PROGRESS. Not the latter half of the year yet. I’m still struggling with depression and it’s June. We’ll see how the remainder of the year goes.

10. Change my full name to my married name on everything.
IN PROGRESS. This is more difficult than I thought it’d be. I’m upgrading this to a high level of difficulty.
REVISED GOAL:  Change my full name to my married name on everything.

Categories: Goals

Ennui

May 20, 2016 Leave a comment

I have nothing of significance to write so this will be a rambling sort of post. If rambling posts are not for you, I suggest you stop reading now. If they are, well then, feel free to keep reading.

Politics.

You HAD to know you wouldn’t get through this post without SOME kind of political commentary, right?

Trump. All I want to know is who are the people who voted for the now-presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. Don’t blame Trump for being a douche without blaming the people who voted for him. Just saying.

North Carolina bathroom bill. I don’t like it.

LGBTQIABBQROTFLOL. Seriously, I can’t keep track of all the terminology. You got me at LGBT. I think Q is redundant but OK whatever. Now they’re adding IA? What is this? And then what are these terms being thrown around? Cis? Binary? Nonbinary? Genderqueer? Gender fluid? And there are some others that I have no idea about because…I’m old and not keeping up with the millennial lingo. I am not anti-LGBTQ but that community is starting to speak a language that I don’t understand.

Pop culture.

Beyoncé. Beyonce’s latest album “Lemonade” is being heralded as the greatest album of the year. I listened to a couple of songs and it sounds like junk to me. It’s like Beyoncé wondered, “What shit can I get my fans to buy?” and came up with “Lemonade.” Maybe it’s more futuristic than I can comprehend (I have been known to revisit albums 5 years later and appreciate them once the dust has cleared) but right now it sounds like a bunch of Mumbo Jumbo to me. And it saddens me that black women identify with the narrative of being treated poorly and being cheated on. It really saddens me that she can speak to that and so many women identify.

Jenners and Kardashians. Mentions of this family chip away at my intelligence slowly. Kind of like archaeology. Except you’ll find nothing left of my brain once it all chipped away.

Personal.

I’m kinda blank here. I have things to write about but I’m still processing a lot of it and will probably write about it when I’m in a better place to reflect and evaluate. Right now, I’m going through the thick of it and just not ready to share what’s going on. Not yet.

Categories: Personal
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