Home > Motherhood, Personal > Hanging on by a thread

Hanging on by a thread

Still struggling.

Feeling hopeless. Like a disappointment. Like a failure.

Having someone take care of my son part-time feels like a failure on my part. Like I can’t hack this mom thing.

Oh, and I just got my yearly reminder in the mail: I have a frozen embryo on tap. What do I want to do with it?

I want to discard it. Because I can’t imagine that I can be a good mother a second time around. I’m having a hard time being a good mom THIS time around.

But I won’t. My morals (belief in the value of life and all that jazz) won’t let me do that.

Postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD—all of it—has taken a hold of my soul and won’t let go. I have cried several times this week. More times than I’ve cried since the sixth week of my son’s life.

The screechy crying. It’s like the wail of a dying baby. It never ceases to freak me out. I feel like such a horrible mom for strapping him into the car seat while he’s crying and then the high-pitched wail reverberates through the car sending figurative splinters under my nails.

I still have thoughts of suicide but little impulse to act upon it. Right now.

I’m still here.


  1. June 19, 2014 at 3:51 PM

    Hiya! Just thought I’d drop a reply and tell you to hang in there. You say you’re hanging by a thread, and I know how that feels, but I can also feel your strength in your words, even if you can’t. And having someone help out is GREAT news! I wish someone had shown up to help me out, lol. In the past, everyone pitched in to help out. Moms, aunts, grandmas, sisters. None of us should feel bad for having help. Good luck! It sounds like your son has an amazing Mamma.

  2. June 19, 2014 at 7:13 PM

    Oh man, the crying is so hard to listen to. I totally get that. As for feeling like a failure because you are getting childcare help, you are so not! The only way I got through my PPD and even when I didn’t have it with my first, was by getting breaks with childcare. It’s a rare person who can do 24/7 care. It’s so draining. Our culture puts so much pressure on moms and has this blissful image of a SAHM who does it all, it’s totally unrealistic. Other countries include extended family automatically, so many others who help. It takes a village, and not just online but real live l people to be with your baby so you can care for yourself. If you are not well and healthy, it went be good for anyone. Please, give yourself permission to accept this part time care. You deserve it. Stay with us.

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