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Feelings of importance

When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

One of the things I hate about my writing is redundancy. I hate repeating myself. But if God has no bones about repeating Himself in the Bible, why should I fret about repetition on this blog?

Importance. I struggle with wanting to be, no wait, wanting to feel important.

What counts as important in my mind? Approval from people I don’t already have approval from. Sure, I’m important to family and perhaps to close friends but I want to feel important in my jobs. I want to feel needed. It’s absolutely pathetic. I’ve probably said this before recently but approval from/fear of man is a recurring theme in my life. For some sick reason, I want to feel important in any job that I take.

Perhaps that’s why I want a full-time job. Beyond earning enough income to help support my family, I want to be able to toot my own damn horn for once. I want to say, “I’m important in my job. Sure, I’m replaceable if I leave but they need me there. I’m not just wanted; I’m needed.”

I tried tooting my horn once and I felt sick to my stomach. Like I didn’t deserve to be talking about how great I am. And I’m not really all that great. I just want to feel like I am.

Career is constantly top-of-mind for me. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s the New York state of mind I was instilled with?

(Perhaps I like ending sentences with prepositions as shown above?)

I have this crazy idea—a wacky dream I keep chasing—that if I land a full-time job somewhere, enjoy what I do, and am happy there, then I’ll feel important and fulfilled.

My importance needs to come from who I am in Christ. I am important to friends and family and that’s all who should really matter. But no, I’m like a dog chasing his tail—going around and around in circles. At times, I hate myself for it. And yet I pursue this phantom with complete abandon. It’s frustrating. It’s discouraging. I’d like to change. How can I?

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