Anxiety, fear of man, and “committing suicide”
I want my blog to be more positive. I feel like I have so much negative energy surrounding this blog. But right now, I’m angry. Totally angry with myself. I’m dealing with anxiety and fear of man issues.
Fear of man. I’m so afraid of what others think of me. I waste so much time and energy flipping out about how people are talking about me. It’s like 2008 all over again. I’m afraid people don’t like me anymore. And what they think of me really and truly scares me. It runs my life. It rules my thoughts. It controls my feelings.
“Don’t let it! Only you alone give people control over your thoughts!” Yeah, right. And pull yourself up by your bootstraps into becoming a millionaire. Because, you see, only you are keeping yourself from making millions. You have no one to blame but yourself.
But it’s not so easy to make millions, is it?
The title of this blog is This Journey Is My Own based on Sara Groves’s song about… the fear of man. I began this blog in 2009 and named it after that song because I was struggling greatly with the fear of man.
Fast-forward to 2014 and things haven’t changed a bit. I am still anxious, angry, afraid of others, and paranoid of what they think of me.
- My jokes aren’t good enough.
- I overshadow other people.
- I talk too much.
- I’m too self-absorbed.
All of the above may be true (especially the one about self-absorption). But I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to just let Christ shine through me. I’ve tried a good part of my freakin’ life to be Christ to non-Christians, and I’ve failed. Miserably.
I don’t want to jeopardize my life by freaking out about what people think of me. I don’t want to lose sleep because the thought of them thinking bad thoughts about me drives me crazy.
I’m not even coherent anymore. All I can think is, They hate me. They hate me. They hate me.
This is why I don’t socially interact with people. I’m a paranoid extrovert. How’s that for juxtaposition?
Even when I work on a job for a client and I get a terse (or no) response, I think, I did a horrible job and they’re never going to hire me again. I’m a hack. A fraud. I can’t do this. And it might be true.
Why am I so dependent upon people for my self-esteem? Why am I so dependent upon what others think of me so that my mood doesn’t sink? Why am I so effing stupid? And why do I always blog when I have nothing but negative energy to funnel into my posts? Ugh.
Tonight is probably a beer night but all I want to do is comfort eat. That probably explains why I can’t lose any weight. And right now, I really don’t care.
I want to cry. I want to throw things across the room. I want to eat. I want a cup of caffeinated coffee before bedtime. Or maybe, just maybe, for once, I don’t want to care about what other people think of me.
On another note—and this will probably be brief—I found this article on CNN titled, “Stop saying ‘committed’ suicide.” Here’s the beginning:
Would you ever say that your loved one “committed cancer” or “committed a heart attack”? Sounds strange, right? This is how it feels to hear people say that your loved one committed suicide, implying that they should be blamed for their illness.
No, saying “committed suicide” doesn’t blame someone for their illness, but it does point to the fact that the person took matters into their own hands of taking their life. Just like you would say someone “committed homicide” (went through the act of killing another person), saying “committed suicide” means the person went through the act of killing themselves. (I know this post is chock full o’ bad grammar, but right now I do NOT care.) Saying “die by suicide” is semantics, in my opinion. Sure, there is stigma surrounding suicide and the mental illness that goes with it, but people need to know that suicide is not the mental illness—it’s the act of someone who suffered from it.