Home > Internet/Web > Blogging: I Love It and Hate It + Assorted Rambling

Blogging: I Love It and Hate It + Assorted Rambling

Building traffic and revving up my SEO marketing sounds nice in theory, but I don’t have time for it. While I love writing, I am daunted by a blog’s need for content. It is always hungry, never satiated, always wanting more.

I don’t blog every day because, frankly, I have nothing of value to add each day. I don’t want this blog to become “I had a good day today because my family was here!” or “I had a horrible day today. Worst day EVAR!!!” I want this blog to be somewhat smart and interesting. I want to tackle topics that are important to me that other people don’t talk about. (Well, I could talk about poop but moms of newborns have that covered.) Okay, maybe I’ll tackle politics this year.

I have several blogs, each focused on a different topic: Pop! Goes the Music focuses on pop music but I’ll probably only post to that when I feel like it rather than trying to establish a regular posting schedule. I’ve been upfront on depression introspection that the site is rarely updated and mainly offered as a resource. I also have a professional blog about the dynamics of the American English language.

Posting to This Journey Is My Own is still fun. I don’t do it often, much of my posts are scheduled (thanks to prompts), and I blog when I want to rather than feeling like I need to (as with my professional blog). I also like that my readership is moderate despite that wacky 992 e-mail subscriber number.

My Professional Blog

My professional blog feels like a 100-ton weight around my shoulders even though it’s a topic I enjoy. Somehow my readership has built up to a decent size (not for most people but for me), which gives me stage fright. I seize up when having to write a blog post. Remember, I’m a professional editor: my posts need to be near perfect before I can hit that publish button. I draft a post, edit, put it away, then edit it again before scheduling it for publication. Time and time again, I think of giving up the blog. It’s not fun, and I want it to be. There’s no room for mistakes and it’s anxiety-inducing. I’m also often pressed for time, and each post requires thought and some citing of references. I can’t merely sit down and write an authoritative post on lay vs. lie off the top of my head; I need help from Grammar Girl, Merriam-Webster, or Grammatically Correct. Oh, and no one pays me for these posts. I am currently working three part-time jobs with a fourth brewing. Not to mention the ordinary tasks and errands I need to tend to. How am I supposed to focus on a professional blog with all this craziness? (Thank God the holidays are over.)

My Life

Maybe you’d like to know about my four jobs. Maybe you’re interested in learning when to use who and whom (a topic I plan to cover on my professional blog). Perhaps you’d like to know that I’m dealing with flash dizziness as a side effect of my medication. Or that I’m dealing with the potential reality of a life without children who have my husband’s hazel eyes and my dark curly hair. I don’t even know if my medical history will allow me to adopt children.

I can’t afford to fall apart because I’m so busy, but here I am struggling with a way to avoid checking out of life. My heart wants nothing more than to find a way to escape all of my obligations when all I really need (I think) is a week without people, to disconnect, to just relax. Relaxation will not come until March is over, until after the stupid party I’ve planned for myself ends (I’m anticipating a disaster because I’m a pessimist), until my editing project is off my plate, and I am not working regularly six, sometimes seven days a week. I’m beseeching God to give me the strength to get through three months. I need to get through these next three months with my mental health intact.

Let’s also discuss how I feel like I bring cursing upon the heads of those whom I pray for. Since 2008, I’ve been regularly  praying for my friend’s husband to find a full-time, steady job. That has not been answered with a yes. (And yes, I would like the answer to that prayer to be a one-time “yes” instead of a continuous “no.”) I haven’t had kids of my own and have watched the precious children of others rapidly grow up. A dear friend has not received definitive answers about persistent problems with her health. This is frustrating. My prayers have gone from “Please, Lord, let the Phillies win” to “please, Lord, provide for this family,” “give this family hope,” and “give this family answers.” I consider not praying anymore so maybe God will answer these prayers if other people pray. Perhaps I am hindering these prayers from being answered.

I should be thankful. But I’m a pessimist so I simply see discontent. Will I ever see contentment this side of heaven?

Anxiety & Fear

I am trying to hold on to two scriptures to help me get through each day:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:6–7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. —II Timothy 1:7

I find it nearly impossible to obey the first verse. These days I am anxious about everything: driving, interactions with others, my editing, my performance on the job, having children, creating and publishing a blog post, what I say, what I do, what I cook, exercising, my standing with God . . . the list goes on and on. Everything in me wants to quit my job but I also know if I did that, I’d never venture out into the world again. Fear would paralyze me and I’d probably have to go on disability because of debilitating anxiety. It’s what my father applied for before he passed away. I simply don’t know how to overcome my anxiety and fear. I don’t know how to overcome my strong, repulsive feelings of “I really don’t want to do this.” Ativan has become quite the helpful pill recently.

Health

Thirty is certainly not shaping up to be remotely close to 29. I suffer with constant dizziness and equilibrium issues (could be due to my medication). I have constant fatigue and struggle with feeling like I have brain fog that I just can’t break through. My vision, after years of not changing, has gotten worse and I’m afraid to drive at night. All of this wears my mental health down and I feel as though there’s no point in continuing on living if 30 is shaping up to be this bad. What will 40 bring? 50? Why not just end it now while I’m still somewhat in my prime?

Oh, look, a blog post in which I did not need to cite references (OK, maybe I did with scripture) or worry about the grammar in my post. I edit as I go, hit publish, and come what may. On this blog, I am not the polished editor trying to put on a professional face. On this blog, I am just me: warts, discontents, flaws, unpolished, and varnished. I can vent. You can choose to read it or not. But this blog provides a form of catharsis in ways that the high readership of depression introspection or the forced perfection of my professional blog do not. If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading.

Advertisements
  1. January 4, 2012 at 9:34 AM

    Especially with several blogs, I can see how maintaining them with a new post daily can be overwhelming! I don’t think you have to update a blog each and every day. I keep my posts to weekly (on Mondays) and this gives me more time to write quality content which I’ve found to be more important than frequency. Blogging is definitely a love/hate relationships. I love it when I have something to write, but hate it when it seems like more of a chore than an enjoyment.

    • Kassi
      January 4, 2012 at 5:43 PM

      Yes, I need to focus my energy on my professional blog. I tried updating twice a week but producing that much content proved to be daunting. I think you’re right: once a week will produce better quality content.

      Thanks for commenting!

  2. January 4, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    I figured out that when I quit worrying about doing things ‘right’ in terms of SEO, and started concentrating on quality content, my stats actually went up. By quite a bit. I do a small amount of promoting via social media, but by and large just depend on others to link back to my posts.

    In addition to my professional blog, I also have a photoblog, and two weight loss blogs, one personal and one as a group. I also contribute to a couple more. Blogging is something that has become a great outlet for me, somewhere I can gain insight in the process. Last night, I blogged while I was doing some classroom lesson prep.

    But yes, that love/hate relationship with the medium can rear it’s head sometimes.

    • Kassi
      January 4, 2012 at 5:45 PM

      I somehow gained 4 new subscribers in the past few hours. I highly doubt that I’m really breaking the 1,000 subscriber mark with this blog in which I simply ramble about my life.

      My question to you: how do you divvy up your time to regularly post content to all of those blogs? I’m lucky I have time to sit in front of a computer!

  3. Sinjin Tiger
    January 21, 2012 at 1:31 PM

    Well, this one sure was nice to read, Kass… It is always good to catch up on how someone’s life is going. I should write one like this. I didn’t realize you were much of a pessimist, but then I tend to disregard that in myself. I think the world needs us, for balance. And I truly appreciate your editorial abilities! Here’s hoping the enjoyment comes back into your activities soon.

  1. January 25, 2012 at 10:05 AM

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: