Are You There, God? I’d Really Like An Answer.
I’ve been going through an incredibly difficult time on a personal level and have been really struggling in my faith. I often function based on feelings (yeah, yeah, I know, feelings aren’t reliable) and lately I’ve had the need to feel that God loves me. And I’m constantly met with… silence.Sometimes I wish I weren’t such a deep thinker because it gets me into all sorts of emotional trouble. I start feeling useless in my existence and wondering why the heck I was born. Don’t be a deep thinker; it only makes you more dissatisfied with life.
God has blessed me in all sorts of awesome, wonderful, and wacky ways. I live in a great apartment in a great neighborhood with a great husband and get to work at my great job(s). (Yes, I have several. I wear many hats.)
But I’m dissatisfied with myself and the lack of realized dreams on several different levels. I thought I’d have a kid by now. I thought I’d be 15 pounds lighter. I thought I’d be in less debt rather than more. I thought I’d be in a great place spiritually. I thought I’d be less insecure around other people. I thought I’d be a better driver. (It’s pretty sad that I was a better driver at 19 than 29.) I won’t get into how I’m disappointed that God has clearly said NO to my requests on behalf of other people: jobs, healing, better relationships.
And really, I’m not sure where this leaves me. Every time I think about becoming an atheist, I know it’s as impossible as suddenly sprouting wings from my shoulder blades and flying. I know God exists; of this, I’m certain. However, despite verses in the Bible that tell me God is in my best interest and everything will work out for good to His glory, I can’t help but feel like a pawn in this crazy game of chess on earth. God moves me here, moves me there, makes me do things, makes me not do things, makes things happen, makes things not happen.
And somehow God the Father becomes this big, scary deity, and Jesus is the more relatable, hippie adopted brother. These concepts of “God is love” as repeated over and over in I John are as foreign to me in my experience as “Allah is love” is to many Muslims. I see him as the distant parent who provides for the child because it’s His duty, and I cringe when I think of others around the world who seem to be forgotten and abandoned.
It’s easier to be angry at God than to trust Him because my experience in certain areas tell me He’s let me down and I need to be wary of Him. I feel empty, hurt, and broken. I feel defeated and doomed to repeating the same old destructive patterns and behaviors I’ve struggled with. I want to get better. I want to be on the road to recovery. I want to stop hurting so I can live in peace and freedom.
But the wound is raw and it’s bleeding. And God doesn’t seem to want to make it right.