Home > Christianity, Religion > Are You There, God? I’d Really Like An Answer.

Are You There, God? I’d Really Like An Answer.

I’ve been going through an incredibly difficult time on a personal level and have been really struggling in my faith. I often function based on feelings (yeah, yeah, I know, feelings aren’t reliable) and lately I’ve had the need to feel that God loves me. And I’m constantly met with… silence.Sometimes I wish I weren’t such a deep thinker because it gets me into all sorts of emotional trouble. I start feeling useless in my existence and wondering why the heck I was born. Don’t be a deep thinker; it only makes you more dissatisfied with life.

God has blessed me in all sorts of awesome, wonderful, and wacky ways. I live in a great apartment in a great neighborhood with a great husband and get to work at my great job(s). (Yes, I have several. I wear many hats.)

But I’m dissatisfied with myself and the lack of realized dreams on several different levels. I thought I’d have a kid by now. I thought I’d be 15 pounds lighter. I thought I’d be in less debt rather than more. I thought I’d be in a great place spiritually. I thought I’d be less insecure around other people. I thought I’d be a better driver. (It’s pretty sad that I was a better driver at 19 than 29.) I won’t get into how I’m disappointed that God has clearly said NO to my requests on behalf of other people: jobs, healing, better relationships.

And really, I’m not sure where this leaves me. Every time I think about becoming an atheist, I know it’s as impossible as suddenly sprouting wings from my shoulder blades and flying. I know God exists; of this, I’m certain. However, despite verses in the Bible that tell me God is in my best interest and everything will work out for good to His glory, I can’t help but feel like a pawn in this crazy game of chess on earth. God moves me here, moves me there, makes me do things, makes me not do things, makes things happen, makes things not happen.

And somehow God the Father becomes this big, scary deity, and Jesus is the more relatable, hippie adopted brother. These concepts of “God is love” as repeated over and over in I John are as foreign to me in my experience as “Allah is love” is to many Muslims. I see him as the distant parent who provides for the child because it’s His duty, and I cringe when I think of others around the world who seem to be forgotten and abandoned.

It’s easier to be angry at God than to trust Him because my experience in certain areas tell me He’s let me down and I need to be wary of Him. I feel empty, hurt, and broken. I feel defeated and doomed to repeating the same old destructive patterns and behaviors I’ve struggled with. I want to get better. I want to be on the road to recovery. I want to stop hurting so I can live in peace and freedom.

But the wound is raw and it’s bleeding. And God doesn’t seem to want to make it right.

  1. June 30, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    Luke 16:19-31.

    • Kassi
      July 1, 2011 at 10:58 AM

      I read it; I don’t get it.

  2. Jamie Samonte
    June 30, 2011 at 10:59 PM

    Take hold of Jer. 29:11, it may be hard to trust with what you’re going through right now, but it is a promise. Uttered a prayer for you.

    • Kassi
      July 1, 2011 at 10:58 AM

      Thank you kindly.

  3. Lisa
    July 1, 2011 at 10:47 AM

    Been there, done that. It sucked a lot. I just immersed myself in how God loves me – studying grace and reading every book I could find about what God thinks of me. I’ve come out of it so much more in love with God – but it was a hard journey. One book that helped was “The Search for Significance”. I’ll be praying for you to win this battle you are in.

    • Kassi
      July 1, 2011 at 10:59 AM

      I’ve requested the book from my library. Thanks for the recommendation!

  4. July 2, 2011 at 9:08 AM

    I happened to come across your blog from another site, and this post touched me deeply. I’ll be praying for you! Like you, God hasn’t answered many of my prayer requests … at least, not yet. But I’m still praying and hoping, and I believe with all my heart that He loves me. He’s given me peace and hope. He’ll give that same peace and hope to you, too. (John 14:18)

  5. July 2, 2011 at 9:09 PM

    Kassi, trust me when I tell you I can identify with you. Atheism has not been my choice either because it implies that I can go ahead and conclude that there is not something as huge as a God simply because I am not fully satisfied with this life. I tend to complain about the things that I have not been able to do or have in my life, but when I really reflect on what I DO have, then my frustration disappears. All I have to do is read the newspaper or watch the news and realize how most of the world is either starving, in the midst of war, struggling with a terminal illness, fearful of an abusive parent or spouse, or mental illness. When I am reminded of all of this, the things I tend to complain about become meaningless. I have learned that I am not in this world to be happy, but to learn and grow. And one way of growing and learning is to serve others and fight for righteousness. To be happy is truly secondary. Anyways, hope this helps.

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