Day 32 of Enjoying God: Faith (or lack thereof)
If you’re reading this, you probably have no idea how difficult it has been for me to write this series during the past two weeks. I’m contemplating changing the title to “Not Enjoying God.” (Not really, but that’s how I’ve been feeling recently.)
My faith right now is a little shaky. When it rains, it pours. For example, my husband and I are in the midst of being financially drained with this car (and soon, a new[er] one). My husband feels upset, angry, and isolated as if God doesn’t really care. I keep trying to have faith, keep trying to defend that God really is there but really… I’m starting to lose hope myself. There are other issues that pile on top of this that begin to make everything seem very overwhelming.
In the grand scheme of things, we’re not suffering from the worst afflictions in the world: my mother doesn’t have terminal cancer; I don’t have a 4-year-old daughter who drowned in a pool; and none of my immediate family members have been raped (to my knowledge), shot, or killed in a car accident.
But life is life. And there are various issues that I carry in my head and my heart that sometimes make me break down and cry about how unfair everything is. And I pray and pray, hoping that God will hear and rectify the situation but He doesn’t. It’s as if He gives me a polite pat on the back with an unsympathetic smile and tells me to “keep on’ keepin’ on.”
It’s tough to keep my eyes focused on the eternal when the temporal is so damn shitty. I have older friends who desire marriage but God hasn’t brought a potential spouse into their lives; it’s possible He never will. I have friends who desire children and He has repeatedly closed the door on their being able to conceive or adopt. I know people who are looking for a permanent job that will pay the bills and give them some decent health coverage but feel as though they are fighting against a riptide that will soon take them under.
These prayers are part of the mundane but they are ones that have gone on for years. God is God and He can do whatever He wants but it would be nice if He could just answer a few prayers:
- Give a job with benefits to the woman who just had an emergency hysterectomy so she’s not on the hook for all those hospital bills.
- Help the family keep their house from foreclosure because they were able to make their mortgage payments just fine until a round of pay cuts were doled out.
- Make that fertility treatment work for the couple that’s been trying to have a child for 6 years so they’ll finally be able to realize their dream of expanding their family.
I’ve seen God answer my minor prayers. Something as trivial as catching a subway train so I don’t stand out in the cold for an extra 5-10 minutes. Why is He holding out on the bigger ones? I can’t help feel like I’m just a dumb pawn in God’s big chess game:
“Move here, move there. Oops, you shouldn’t have gone there. Here, let me kill you off. In fact, let me just exterminate the whole lot of you.”
“Haha, you! Miserable down there? Want to die? No, I think I’ll just keep you alive and torture you for a bit.”
I believe there’s a God all right, but I’m starting to think He’s really damn cruel no matter what the Bible says.
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