Home > 365+ Days of Enjoying God, Christianity > Day 32 of Enjoying God: Faith (or lack thereof)

Day 32 of Enjoying God: Faith (or lack thereof)

If you’re reading this, you probably have no idea how difficult it has been for me to write this series during the past two weeks. I’m contemplating changing the title to “Not Enjoying God.” (Not really, but that’s how I’ve been feeling recently.)

My faith right now is a little shaky. When it rains, it pours. For example, my husband and I are in the midst of being financially drained with this car (and soon, a new[er] one). My husband feels upset, angry, and isolated as if God doesn’t really care. I keep trying to have faith, keep trying to defend that God really is there but really… I’m starting to lose hope myself. There are other issues that pile on top of this that begin to make everything seem very overwhelming.

In the grand scheme of things, we’re not suffering from the worst afflictions in the world: my mother doesn’t have terminal cancer; I don’t have a 4-year-old daughter who drowned in a pool; and none of my immediate family members have been raped (to my knowledge), shot, or killed in a car accident.

But life is life. And there are various issues that I carry in my head and my heart that sometimes make me break down and cry about how unfair everything is. And I pray and pray, hoping that God will hear and rectify the situation but He doesn’t. It’s as if He gives me a polite pat on the back with an unsympathetic smile and tells me to “keep on’ keepin’ on.”

It’s tough to keep my eyes focused on the eternal when the temporal is so damn shitty. I have older friends who desire marriage but God hasn’t brought a potential spouse into their lives; it’s possible He never will. I have friends who desire children and He has repeatedly closed the door on their being able to conceive or adopt. I know people who are looking for a permanent job that will pay the bills and give them some decent health coverage but feel as though they are fighting against a riptide that will soon take them under.

These prayers are part of the mundane but they are ones that have gone on for years. God is God and He can do whatever He wants but it would be nice if He could just answer a few prayers:

  • Give a job with benefits to the woman who just had an emergency hysterectomy so she’s not on the hook for all those hospital bills.
  • Help the family keep their house from foreclosure because they were able to make their mortgage payments just fine until a round of pay cuts were doled out.
  • Make that fertility treatment work for the couple that’s been trying to have a child for 6 years so they’ll finally be able to realize their dream of expanding their family.

I’ve seen God answer my minor prayers. Something as trivial as catching a subway train so I don’t stand out in the cold for an extra 5-10 minutes. Why is He holding out on the bigger ones? I can’t help feel like I’m just a dumb pawn in God’s big chess game:

“Move here, move there. Oops, you shouldn’t have gone there. Here, let me kill you off. In fact, let me just exterminate the whole lot of you.”

“Haha, you! Miserable down there? Want to die? No, I think I’ll just keep you alive and torture you for a bit.”

I believe there’s a God all right, but I’m starting to think He’s really damn cruel no matter what the Bible says.

Advertisements
  1. January 28, 2011 at 2:12 PM

    I’m going through a situation somewhat similar to yours at the moment so I know how you feel.

    Sometimes we need suffering to bring us closer to God. Also, you don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe you needed to go through this tough time for something good to happen later on, which wouldn’t have happened otherwise?

    Either way I hope things improve for you!

    • Kass
      January 28, 2011 at 2:24 PM

      Thanks!

  2. Ren
    January 28, 2011 at 4:21 PM

    I feel the need to remind you that it’s quite all right to feel this way. And it’s quite all right to vent to God about feeling this way. Seriously. Don’t fall prey to the “but I can’t complain to God” mindset. It’s an easy trap to fall into. But taking my cues from David, the other psalmists, Job, and even Paul, I’m completely convinced that it’s perfectly all right to complain to Him about Him. He understands. He knows it sucks to walk through a bunch of crappy stuff that seems to have no purpose. Why He doesn’t explain it to us, I can’t tell you. But I can encourage you to remember that it’s ok to tell Him that it sucks not knowing. *hug*

    • Kass
      January 28, 2011 at 4:29 PM

      Like. Like.

  3. January 28, 2011 at 10:19 PM

    When I am feeling *just this way* I can only cry out to Him… and can acknowledge that I know He is great, and sees the beginning from the end, and is always and always Good… but it’s so very hard when we are so very small, and can only see the small piece of the picture that He reveals to us.

    I’m sorry that I have no way to ease what you’re feeling but I am praying for your heart to be comforted in this difficult season, that He will show Himself faithful to meet your *needs* in exactly the Best way, and for His glory to shine to you more brightly than ever on the other side of this dark tunnel.

  4. January 31, 2011 at 10:43 PM

    kass, i’m just catching up on some of your posts, but this all makes me sad…i’m sad for you and J, and what you’re going through…i’m sad you feel no community in your church (not sad towards you, but sad towards your church…a lack of community, or a cliquish community definitely happens, and i hate that)…i’m sad that you feel that God is cruel. i’m sad, but i don’t really have any advice! i really love what Ren said above. i unfortunately don’t have the vocabulary or the thought process to say those things, but yes to everything he/she said! can you email me your address, though? i have a book i want to send you.

  1. January 29, 2011 at 9:23 PM

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: