Home > Identity, Thoughts > Desperately seeking local female friend who loves Jesus, Justin*, and John**

Desperately seeking local female friend who loves Jesus, Justin*, and John**

A ramble/rant/possible form of incoherence.

I am trying to reconcile who I am with who God wants me to be as a married woman living in the Philadelphia area. More than that, I think, I struggle with trying to reconcile who I am with what I think Christianity expects or wants me to be.

I’ve written before about how I see differences between myself and other women. I am currently struggling with my role as a Christian woman within the church. I’m 28, married, and currently childless. I’m a minority at my church. Moreover, I’m suddenly starting to feel like a minority in my phase of life. I am having a difficult time accepting that I’m in the stage of life where many of my friends are married and having children and parenthood is not a place God has called me to yet.

I am also struggling with the idea of a glass ceiling in the church: how much can women serve and is that glass ceiling really ordained by God or by power-hungry, chauvinistic men hanging onto an archaic rule that served its purpose for that time and that culture? (My husband warned me that I sound all Brian McLaren with those thoughts, but I happen to think he’s a little biased considering he’s a guy and all.)

I spent the day crying (partially about what I don’t have but also) about what I like: social media; reformed theology; discussing mental health issues; writing fiction; blogging about topics that don’t include fashion, kids, or TV shows; pop music; and going to concerts. I am grieved by the superficial — apart from my faith, I share very little in common with the women of my church.

I whine about the days when I used to be able to call up a buddy and say, “Hey, want to go to a concert with me?” and she’d say, “Sure! Time and date, please!” and we’d just go. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have children that I still feel that kind of freedom. But even if I did, I’d hope that I’d still be able to go. (I attend concerts once or twice a year.)

I feel the need to live two different lives: a life with Christians where I act all Christian and do whatever Christian people do and a life with non-Christians where we share similar interests but nothing that unites as deeply as spiritual things do. Is it wrong for me to want the two worlds to collide? To want the crazy friend who dyes her hair pink and purple, loves music, literature, and Jesus just as much as I do (if not more), and would go to Hershey with me to see Justin Bieber? To want that friend who can say, “You wanna hang out on Saturday and find a place in Philly where a local band is playing?” or “I’m in a really dark place right now in my life. Could you come over, talk, and pray with me?” Perhaps it’s never too late to develop imaginary friends. Or, slightly less creepy, put an ad up on the Philadelphia craigslist. (Maybe imaginary friends are safer, though. Hmm…)

I have friends all over the United States who I connect with on different levels, but in suburban Philadelphia, an area I’ll likely call home for the rest of my life, I still feel lost. I still see myself as the freak loser even though I’ve never gone to school here and have never had anyone tease me here. I have lots of local friends, but when I’m depressed, upset, and hurting, I don’t have that “one” friend I feel comfortable calling. Mostly because I know they’ve all got their kids and their husbands, and hence their busy lives that have little room or space for me.

I keep wondering how to rectify the situation. How to find my crazy Christian friend who loves Jesus, loves pop music, lives within 20 minutes, and can educate me on the greatness of Proust and Faulkner.

Or maybe I’ll just stick to this solitary life of writing novels and keeping hoping and wishing that I had different so I didn’t feel so immature, so isolated, and so alone.

How is a Christian woman supposed to act? In the novel I’m currently working on, my protagonist gets a brief lesson on being a Titus 2/Proverbs 31 (Biblical) woman. I’m feeling about as flummoxed as my character. The Biblical woman is ever working, ever busy, ever faithful, ever diligent. Striving to be like the woman the Bible outlines is striving for perfection — a goal I’ll surely never attain. Why bother at all?

I struggle with ambition. I am an ambitious woman. I don’t know what I want to do but I want to do something. But all I can do is write. There’s not much of a need for that in my local church.

I could go on and on but the rest of my thoughts are a jumble, I’m feeling tired and depressed again about how I’m doomed to live with a 16-year-old mentality in a 28-year-old body and a New York mentality in suburban Philadelphia, and how I have no kids and probably too much time on my hands. I need to get involved in something in which I can utilize my talents regularly but I’m not sure what.

*Justin Bieber
**John Piper

  1. June 7, 2010 at 5:50 PM

    Dear thisjourneyismyown:

    My name is Leora Trub and I am a student in the Clinical Psychology Ph.D. Program at The Graduate Center of the City University of New York (CUNY). I am conducting a study of the reasons that people blog and what benefits it brings, which at this point are still largely unexplored in research studies. I am therefore reaching out to you as a blogger who can help deepen our understanding of this phenomenon. I believe that your voice is an important one to be heard and hope you will enjoy participating in the study. I have developed an online questionnaire that asks about specific aspects of blogging as well as asking about feelings about yourself and others in your life. The survey is a mix of numerical scales and opportunities to reflect in an open-ended format about the role of blogging in your life, and how it has changed over time.

    You are eligible to participate if you are at least 21 years of age and have been maintaining an English-language personal blog for at least six months that you update or visit at least twice a week (on average). Your participation involves completing a confidential online questionnaire. The data will be downloaded onto a secure server to which only I have access. No identifying information, such as your names or address, will be collected. If you desire, you may choose not to share your blog name, in which case I will not access your blog for any reason after this point. If you do share your blog name, it will NOT be connected to your responses in the survey. Additionally, you will be given the opportunity to be identified by a code name in research reports and to have your blog description changed slightly so it cannot be identified.

    The survey takes approximately 45 minutes to complete and participation is completely voluntary. Three participants who complete the survey will be randomly selected by a lottery to receive a $75 cash prize.

    There are no foreseeable risks to participation in the study. Although some of the questions are personal in nature, participation in the study provides an opportunity to think about the role that your blog plays in your life.

    If you have any questions about this research, you can contact me at (732) 407-7928 or ltrub@gc.cuny.edu, or my advisors Dr. Arietta Slade at (212) 650-5658 or arietta.slade@gmail.com and Dr. Tracey Revenson at (212) 817-8709 or trevenson@gc.cuny.edu.

    The study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of the Graduate School of the City University of New York and meets of their guidelines as well as all state and federal guidelines for research with human participants. If you have any concerns about the project at any time, you can contact Ms. Kay Powell, Institutional Review Board at the Graduate School of the City University of New York (212) 817-7525 or kpowell@gc.cuny.edu.

    In order to participate in this study, I need to send you an invitation through survey monkey. If you are interested, please send an email to ltrub@gc.cuny.edu from the email address to which you would like the invitation sent. I hope that you will decide to participate and also that you will share it with others if you decide you would like to. Please feel free to contact me with any questions.


    Leora Trub, M.A.
    Doctoral student in Clinical Psychology
    Graduate School of the City University of New York
    365 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10016-4309

  2. June 7, 2010 at 6:39 PM

    Wow girl. You’re right! We’re so feeling the SAME vibe. Ugh! So many things you mentioned could have come straight from my head.

    Like you, I would like that girl who loves concerts, window shopping, the beach, soaking in worship and digesting a good Bible study all in one. I really try though not to make any false expectations for people or myself. There is a thin line when you meet someone or have a friend where you hope (really badly) for them to be something and in reality they will never be.

    You know what’s funny? When I wrote that post I thought of this idea – it would be cool to have a website like those dating sites but strictly to help you find people with similar interest. Hmm….I think we’re on to something 🙂

    Blessings amiga!

  3. June 7, 2010 at 6:47 PM

    You should move to Rochester. We go to a pretty ethnically diverse church, and everything’s just about 20 minutes away.

    Until then, I’d be happy to forward you my graduate paper “The Law in Faulkner’s Sanctuary.”

    I would never go to a Justin Bieber concert, however. Though I will be in Hershey the week of July 10th 🙂

    Praying you find your “friend soulmate.”

    • Kass
      June 7, 2010 at 9:49 PM

      Thanks! What will you be doing in Hershey? Drowning in chocolate? 🙂

      Rochester is c-c-cold!

      “The Law in Faulkner’s Sanctuary”? Hmm….

  4. June 10, 2010 at 11:42 PM

    Hi Kass!

    I go through stages of feeling like this to.

    At one point, I was on the Women in the Church committee, and heading up the Meals Ministry — it was lots of fun. Can you sign up for meals in your church? There are many people who would love for you to brighten their day. I always told people, “so what if you don’t feel confident in your cooking — get some hoagies or a pizza with all the sides for a fun treat.” 🙂

    I wrote a curriculum called “Great Godly Girls” (are you interested in it?) where women of all ages and stages meet for fellowship. I think it’s very important to be strong as WOMEN in the church, not just little cliques. It would be super-cool if you could do something like that, even informally.

    For me, it was weird because I was married at 19 and had my first son when I was a few months shy of 21. At the time, all of my friends disappeared because I was no longer in their category — married, and “even worse”, I had a child.

    Many times, we look to our peers (and make comparisons) for fulfillment and a sense of belonging. But, I have found that there are great friendships to be had with much older women – who are also in need of friends – and with teenage girls who are struggling with a need to belong and feel accepted.

    When we walk along side of people who are different than us, we grow as women, and as Christians.

    Consider throwing a really fun girls-night-out bash and include all the ladies in the church. Can’t tell you how much I wished someone would include me and helped me to feel “cool” even though I was a mom!

    You are loved and NEEDED my dear FRIEND!

    Much love,

    • Kass
      June 10, 2010 at 11:50 PM

      Wow. Thanks, Sarah!

      I’ve never taught anything so I don’t know how to teach a curriculum but it sure sounds like lots of fun! I’m interested in looking it over…

      ~ Kass

  5. June 10, 2010 at 11:51 PM

    Really enjoyed this post. I married young (nine days after my 20th), had a son (at 22) and was definitely the weird one for at least three of my four undergraduate years.

    The soul sister need is unarguable. It’s just necessary. I need someone to get excited about spiritual gift Bible studies, discuss our ambitions ENDLESSLY while one or the other reminds us to commit them to the Lord, and go with me to get my tattoo. Oh and read my (apparently) demented stories.

    I just expatriated to Montreal from California because – having found only one friend/soul mate with whom I had all of that – I of course decided to be a continent away from her. I did get plugged in to a church immediately (which was awesome) and have found great girlfriends, many of whom fulfill different aspects of the girl I left back home.

    Le sigh.

  6. Friend
    June 15, 2010 at 12:16 AM

    For the Proverbs 31 feminine ideal, listen to Priscilla Pope-Levison’s (Seattle Pacific University) reflection ‘A Mighty Woman of Valor’ from 18 Feb 18 2003. Free on iTunes: http://deimos3.apple.com/WebObjects/Core.woa/Browse/spu-public.1400150315?i=1905438405.

  7. embee
    June 15, 2010 at 9:07 AM

    kass, i really wish we lived closer to each other. really really wish.

    • Kass
      June 15, 2010 at 11:42 AM


  8. July 28, 2010 at 11:57 AM

    I wish I would have read this sooner Kass. I totally feel your pain. As you know Erik and I have been childless for 9 yrs now. for many years I felt left out and alone. I had friends that were always going to be friends no matter what, but never were any of them in the “same boat” As we were.

    We had for a long time a lot of single friends, Erik and I would talk about how our phone just stopped ringing when we Got married. Did these friends think they would be “interrupting” if they called. Then as more friends got married they started popping babies out right and left. Then for obvious good reasons, the ones we hung out with, focus were on their kiddos.

    When we moved back to Texas in 2004 we seriously didn’t hang out with any friends. It was kind of depressing for sure! we felt so isolated and alone. Then we decided for many reasons find a different church in 2007 (major reasons we were going to the church I grew up in and it was about an hour away and the only couple we did hang out with were getting a divorce).

    We literally visited 50 churches. Trying to find one where we would feel part of a community and be able to build relationships. not that you need to change churches it is just what we did. And I am glad that we did because I know I have built some pretty stong relationship with some great women of God where we can talk about the things we enjoy. I will be praying for you in this area Kass!

    • Kass
      July 28, 2010 at 2:38 PM

      Thanks! I appreciate your comment too. I haven’t been trying for as long but I understand the transition of losing friends as things change in our lives.

      Prayers for you too!

  9. Lurker
    August 22, 2010 at 8:40 PM

    I don’t think it’s possible to find a friend who is going to be all of those things. For example, I would be very open to going to do all of these things but my budget doesn’t allow for impromptu outings on the scale that you’re looking for. And as for your music and interests, you’re 28 years old…you have had so much time to develop your taste – how can you expect someone to enthusiastically appreciate everything exactly as you do? Maybe I’ve given up too soon, but knowing that people are wonderful, strange, and excessively diverse makes not pinning hopes for the perfect “BFF” a little easier to deal with.

  10. Sarah Johnson
    September 15, 2010 at 6:21 PM

    I go to Pastor John’s church. Why don’tcha move to Minnesota? We could be buddies 🙂


  1. June 7, 2010 at 6:57 PM
  2. June 7, 2010 at 9:06 PM

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: