A Place with No Name

June 27, 2014 1 comment

Perhaps this is a blog post that belongs on my other blog, depression introspection, but this blog has been rather active so I prefer to post the following here.

Image from salon.com

Image from salon.com

My psychiatrist has added two more medications to my regimen. I was on Abilify and Prozac daily. I took Ativan as needed. Now, I’m on Abilify, Lamictal, and Prozac daily with Xanax as needed. Read more…

Philadelphia Climb/Hope

June 23, 2014 2 comments

You turn the radio on
Play your favorite song
And cry
(Cry)
~Sarah McLachlan: In Her Shoes~

I’m battling. Warrior mom FTW (For The Win).

I want to share how my day at the Philadelphia Climb Out of the Darkness event went. It was fantastic.

ClimbOutI met several amazing and inspiring women who had been through some form of perinatal or postpartum mood and anxiety disorder. It meant a lot to me because the women there were able guide me out of darkness and into light. Even, if only, for a few hours. I was able to watch children happily run around, share my story with other women, and receive an amazing massage. I also was able to receive 3 hours of doula care from Main Line Doulas. I connected with a sweet n’ sassy counselor at the Postpartum Stress Center. The event organizer for Philadelphia, Heidi, is an amazing woman who encouraged me with her own story of climbing out of the darkness. And to meet Heidi’s mom, the official photographer, was such a blessing because it reminded me that we all can find support from somewhere.

YahooOutlook

I was originally supposed to meet up with a more local group at Valley Forge but due to communication issues (I’m looking right at you, Yahoo! Mail), I missed out. But that’s all right because I connected with the climb leader, Christy, who is A-MAY-ZING. My husband believes I was able to make a better connection with her as a result of my email snafu, and I have to say it’s been a blessing just getting to know her.

I have to recognize several women in my postpartum journey who have helped me above and beyond their call of duty: in person—my mother-in-law, Chris and my friends Rachael D., Karen W., Christine R., and K.C.; online—A’Driane, Lauren, and the many, many of you who left positive uplifting comments in my blog post, Heaven Can Wait.

Today was a difficult day. I was depressed from the moment I woke up (thank God the baby was with the grandparents overnight) and I could barely get out of bed to brush my teeth and shower. Life just seems so bleak. So many women have echoed in my ears, “It gets better,” and I really hope it does. I’m holding onto the hope of other women.

You turn the radio on
Play your favorite song
And sing out
So loud
~Sarah McLachlan: In Her Shoes~

 

Hanging on by a thread

June 19, 2014 2 comments

Still struggling.

Feeling hopeless. Like a disappointment. Like a failure.

Having someone take care of my son part-time feels like a failure on my part. Like I can’t hack this mom thing.

Oh, and I just got my yearly reminder in the mail: I have a frozen embryo on tap. What do I want to do with it?

I want to discard it. Because I can’t imagine that I can be a good mother a second time around. I’m having a hard time being a good mom THIS time around.

But I won’t. My morals (belief in the value of life and all that jazz) won’t let me do that.

Postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD—all of it—has taken a hold of my soul and won’t let go. I have cried several times this week. More times than I’ve cried since the sixth week of my son’s life.

The screechy crying. It’s like the wail of a dying baby. It never ceases to freak me out. I feel like such a horrible mom for strapping him into the car seat while he’s crying and then the high-pitched wail reverberates through the car sending figurative splinters under my nails.

I still have thoughts of suicide but little impulse to act upon it. Right now.

I’m still here.

http://thisjourneyismyown.wordpress.com/selected-lyrics/by-a-thread/

You Are Not Alone. I Am Here With You.

June 16, 2014 2 comments

(I think this is the month for Michael Jackson quotations. I mean, after all, he did pass away during the month of June.)

Where do I begin?

If you’re reading this after having recently commented on my last post, Heaven Can Wait, thank you. I always felt alone and as though I didn’t really matter in the world. Then came a storm of warrior moms (I can see why they call y’all warrior moms now!) to my rescue. They encouraged me that things will get better. That this too shall pass. That I am not alone.

The sun is beginning to peek through the overcast sky in my life. I’m feeling worlds better than Tuesday. And even better than when Saturday when I replied to many of your comments.

I am working with a therapist at the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA and we have come up with a solution that can make me an even better mom: have someone else care for my son part-time. Whether that means part-time daycare or a part-time nanny, it will allow me the space and opportunity to take of myself while supporting my family. While I was pregnant, my husband and I decided that I should be a “full-time” stay-at-home mom and work part-time (I work at a library 2 to 3 days a week). Now, it’s looking as though I will be a “part-time” stay-at-home mom who also works part-time. Perhaps getting another caregiver to help me with my son is not me being a bad mom; it’s a way for me to keep my sanity, keep myself alive, and keep myself involved in my son’s life.

I have a call in to my psychiatrist to see him sooner than July 29. I had been doing so well…

I don’t know how many warrior moms are reading this, but I can’t say thank you enough to everyone for their encouragement. It means a lot to hear from other women who have been where I am and tell me to keep going.

Also, Postpartum Progress is a major resource that I’ve been able to use (and raise funds for!). I also want to send a shout-out to Lauren H. (@unxpctdblessing) who runs #PPDChat on Twitter. That group of women was there for me before I even got help.

I had hoped to participate in a local Climb Out of the Darkness in my area, but I don’t know if that will happen. In the meantime, here’s a video celebrating many of the warrior moms who have reclaimed their lives against perinatal and postpartum mood disorders.

Heaven Can Wait

June 12, 2014 123 comments

A lot on my mind and heart so let’s get to it. Read more…

2014 Mid-Year Goals Check In

June 10, 2014 Leave a comment

1. Keep my child alive somehow after birth (prayer, please!)
IN PROGRESS. We’re 4 months in.

2. Visit New York 4 times during the year to see family
IN PROGRESS. We’ve made the trip to New York twice already.

3. List 3 things that I’m grateful for once a week
FAIL. I haven’t done this at all.

4. Schedule a blog post for each season (minimum 4 times a year)
 SUCCESS! I’ve had a post on this blog each month.

5. Use the elliptical trainer on Thursdays or Fridays once a week
IN PROGRESS. I’m just getting back into the routine of exercising regularly.

6. Strength train on Thursdays or Fridays Sundays once a week after the baby is born (DVD videos)
IN PROGRESS. I haven’t started yet. But I have every intention to. (I need to be able to lift that car seat easily!)

7. Complete 2013 NaNoWriMo novel before November 1
IN PROGRESS. I still have before the end of the year to do this, but I doubt I will. I have very little time to myself.

8. Attempt NaNoWriMo in November
IN PROGRESS. This will be a challenge.

9. Completely revise Getting Right with God by December 31
IN PROGRESS. But I really doubt this will happen this year.

10. Read 36 books by December 31
IN PROGRESS. I think I’ve only read 2 new books this year. Yeah…

This Infertility Journey Is My Own

May 14, 2014 Leave a comment

Kass:

This time last year. I’m so happy that we decided to pursue fertility treatments. I think our entire family has enjoyed the result: our son.

Originally posted on This Journey Is My Own:

I haven’t blogged regularly for quite some time, mostly because I’ve had nothing to say. I still don’t have much of anything to say, although this post will disprove that.

View original 469 more words

Categories: Personal
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